Dads, Sons & Daughters Journals
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Cades Journal
Cades Journal
Yesterday ended hard. Morning greeted me, damn same problem, now seems 10X worse. Told my self a diffrent story. Key word there “seems”, aka feelings. All five daughters flood my mind. Tuned the feelings off, so I try. Weddings, birthdays, graduations. All missed, what is today? Back to work. Shake it off Cade. Stay here, presently. Keep your mind still, type dad, keep building the site. Infection holding. been on 5 silver treatments a day. Food scarce, focus on protein. Fasting today. Lots of water. One Batman sport cup down already. Thanks Marie, and Double L.
Abscesses on both wrists, growing, back of neck. Constant headaches. Face actually hurts, all cartliage swollen and slightly bleeding at crease points. Drinking colidial silver, three times a day. Reminds me, just took a drink. ER almost yesterday. Multiple showers and baths, chlorine soak, dawn soapy shower. Absceses seemed better, maybe can get better before another failed er visit. They need to see the abscess bleeding. Reminder, fix disability insurance, fix food stamps, yes dammit I can’t believe I need food stamp. Stop the pride Cade. It is temprorary, but ya, you make a hundered bucks in three days or stamps buddy. You have had three cans of beans, six eggs, and six chicken thighs, can’t loose the all meat routine and quanity, cant afford to loose body weight.
Mother, oh my, frail, lean and mean at times. She hurts me when I let her. I understand, she too has been alienated from her daughter and grand daughters. This done while er husband, my father lay dying, concious, alone. Can’t think about that too much. Hard not to watching it now happen to my mom. Her, abandoned while her husband whome she stayed with and delivered bedside care, wiping and all for a year plus, alienated, no help, no love, no phone calls let alone a preped meal during her greaving. This from the five females whome called her Mom and Nanna for thirty years.
Thats enuff. Mind wandering, almost into rumenation. I stopped it. Be happy, work. Tommorrows entry will be short.
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Pups Elbow pain in the interior hinge. Both arms. Employed 6 hot spot lymphnode massage. Eyelids are scary swollen. Painful. BB like growths attached to inside elbow. Feels like they are on top of the vein. Itch, bad. It really does feel like I am slowly dieing and have become used to it. You can not be depressed if your reading this. It is simply a problem. I am telling myself this at 1:55pm, low on food and just found a can of pork and beans. Too many things to do. That is ok to. Getting on nebulizer. Taking a break from The Dads journal section. Hard time with the sign up link. Smite Arena time on a nebulizer calls. Fire it up if your on our steam friend list and join.
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74
Pups
Missing sister for four days. She is home with her mother. Effects of all this spread to all in this family. My sister has a hard story. She has not faired well after my dad died. I am thinking how I can help her. It will come. I am very glad she is found.
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74
Pups
Awake. Not once since my children were alienated have I woke up calm. I think I dream I am with them as I am waking. Always a sudden dawning reality. I do not know where my children live, if safe etc. It is immediate adrenaline, and I have noticed, I have become used to the feeling of panic.
The moment I realize I am awake. Not dreaming. Panic. I need more movement, better sleep & nutrition. I simply have so many “I musts”. If I could only sell my intentions. Cade, Stop lock and load. Move, inch closer to your daughters. Today is good.
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74
Pups
A little vitamin D3, excercise, water, chlorine soak. Feeling better. Added Self Care to the groups. Adding The morning coffeee stream and chat as well as the schduled VR Excercise meetups. Started Amoxicillin. Hated to but the holes in my thighs, eyelids etc. Too much. Hammering coliodial silver. Spelled that wrong I am sure. Mom is doing better. My sister is no longer missing. Good.
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74
Pups
Third day doing the Big 6 Lymphatic massage. Tired earlier now. By 7pm. Second day of antibiotics 3 times a day. No change yet. Nebuliser three times a day 20min. No sugar, intermediate fasting. Nickel and dime size abscesses found in my growing and elbows. Shorter panic. Eyes opened at 6am, I remembered journaling about the panic session, I stopped it immediately. This is good. The day’s work should reflect it.
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74
Pups
Infection. Appears to be drying. Ulcers under skin in wrists, kneck better. I must get out of this room. Maybe Il try running in the am. Sleep has fought me tonight. Found a bag of chicken thighs. Thirty minutes re living time with my littles, tears and smiles in a catatonic dream. I miss my Dad. Still hard to believe people have watched this alienation, and said nothing. They still watch, justifying it as I would most likely. Can’t blame, they don’t understand. The world seems to have grown blinder, darker in my lifetime. I hate my children fatherless. My mom is now dying, her face has thinned, translucent. I saw it in my dads eyes. She is tired, alone and overwhelmed with the help needed here. I am frusterated. My daughters wont like this memory later. I am at peace not being at peace. Sleep
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74
Pups
Cant go to bed like that. Good note needed, lots of web site work done. Jacked the menus up, I’ll fix tommorrow. Every page I feel closer to my goals. Thats a better story. Now, sleep.
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Pups
Depression. Enveloped in it when waking this am. Out of coffee. Used a bag of tea. All good. After that cup. Blinds forced open. Sunlight. Big 6 lymphatic protocol done aggressivly. Lots of rotation, jumping in place. Sweat, large glass of water. (Thanks C Bear 🙂 Depression gone. And, I realized the Physical VR I created for myself actually lends itself to this big 6. I think I am going to incorporate it into the first streamed VR session. Good for men to know it! Deciding if I should keep this diary public or require a free Lone Wolf account. . Frame of the mens site is done. Today I am adding my voice and some video. Today will be good wether I feel good or not. I decided.
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74
Pups
Working on the last pieces of the online store. On top of antibiotics and silver treatments. Progress. I hope I dont run out of them. need insurance. Missing those beautiful smiles, the moments and they are missing my input. Keep going, of course. Its hard. I know. So what. Be happy. Before you forget, have fun.
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Pups
Days is over. 11pm. Website work, Nanas AC appointment. Done. 1100 to fix. House in bad shape. Thinking of making it my gym if I live. Moms legs. Infected. Geesh. My nephew came over. He looks good, at peace. I see no progress in my skin. Worried. Pain is increasing.
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